The Practice of Giving + Receiving

Giving and receiving aren’t automatic.They are relational practices.

They require awareness, boundaries, and a conscious relationship with our own internal state.

We often assume we know how to give.

We often assume we know how to receive.

But both are skills — emotional, psychological, even spiritual skills — that are shaped by our history, our conditioning, and the safety of the relational field we’re in.

If you are the giver…

Your responsibility is to slow down and check in with yourself:

• What is your true yes?

• Where is your clear no?

• Is there any ambivalence or confusion you need to sit with?(And from my perspective, ambivalence and confusion are always a no until they naturally become a yes — if they ever do.)

• What is your internal state right now?

• Do you genuinely want to give this?

• Are you offering from openness and abundance… or from duty, guilt, pressure, or a quiet hope you’ll be validated or appreciated in return?

• Are you giving in ways that subtly maintain control or power in the dynamic?

• Or are you using generosity as a way to avoid the vulnerability of real connection?

Some people “give” constantly to avoid being emotionally touched.Their helpfulness becomes a shield — a way to feel close without ever risking vulnerability.But that isn’t connection. It’s protection.And it places all the exposure on the receiver.

Giving from a clean place means you’ve met yourself first.

You’ve checked your boundaries.

You’re aware of what you’re offering and why.

If you are the receiver…

Your responsibility is to feel into the relational container:

• Is this person safe enough to receive from?

• Are they clear in their boundaries?

• Are they consistent in their communication?

• Are they doing their own self-work?

• Do you feel grounded and safe in the way they offer care?

Only then can you soften into the vulnerability of receiving:receiving help, care, support, presence.

And this isn’t small.

For many people, receiving has never been neutral or safe.

Why receiving has historically felt unsafe

Because receiving has meant:

• Someone would expect something back

• Love or attention would later turn into control

• Help came with strings attached

• “I gave you this, so now you owe me that”

• Gratitude was demanded, not freely offered

• Help was used as leverage or manipulation

• Your needs were weaponized

• Vulnerability led to shame, invasion, or disappointment

• Early caregiving made receiving feel costly, dangerous, or punishing

So of course receiving can feel threatening.

Of course people hesitate.

Of course the body braces.

A personal nuance that deepens this

In my own life, I’ve had moments where something I offered freely was met with hesitation or even fear. Not because my intention was complicated — I tend to give sincerely and directly — but because many people simply don’t feel safe enough to receive.

At first, that was shocking to me. Especially as someone who doesn’t calculate or strategize in connection, it was disorienting to realize how many people have been conditioned to expect a hidden cost, a hook, or an agenda.

But over time, I learned that their response wasn’t about me.

It was about the environments they’ve lived in and the ways they’ve been hurt.

And this shaped how I give now. When I offer something, I’ll often name it explicitly:

“It’s completely okay if this doesn’t feel safe to receive. I understand.I’ve checked in with myself and I don’t have any expectations — nothing subtle lingering in the background.I’m offering this from a clean place.”

Sometimes that clarity lets the other person relax.

Sometimes it doesn’t.

Either way, it honors both of our boundaries.

And there is another layer — one that is deeply cultural

We’re living in times where people can be incredibly transactional.

A lot of giving comes from a place of wanting something in return.

“I’ll give you this because I want access, influence, proximity, advancement.”

People aren’t relating — they’re calculating.

Growing up in Hollywood, I felt this constantly.People would ask what you did so they could decide if you were useful to them.

The exchanges were rarely relational. They were strategic.

It was dehumanizing. And it taught me early how contaminated “help” can become when it’s actually a form of extraction.

Because of this cultural conditioning, many people approach receiving with suspicion.

They’re waiting for the catch.They’re bracing for the price.

And they’ve rarely encountered an offering without strings.

Why giving has historically felt unsafe

Because giving has meant:

• You’d be drained and no one would notice

• You’d be taken advantage of

• Your yes would be assumed instead of chosen

• Saying no came with consequences

• Your value was tied to your usefulness

• You’d be expected to carry the emotional load of the relationship

• People praised your reliability while ignoring your exhaustion

Giving has often required self-abandonment.

So of course people fear it.

Two relational patterns that distort the field

1. The “compulsive giver” who avoids vulnerability by giving

Some people can only feel connected when they are offering help.Their generosity is a defense, not intimacy.It keeps them safe from the risk of emotional exposure.

2. The person who over-receives because they don’t believe in their own power

Some people don’t trust their capacity or worth.They collapse into the role of the one-who-needs because offering anything feels impossible.They’ve internalized the belief that they have nothing to contribute.

Both patterns arise from wounds, not presence.

Another part we often forget — especially in late-stage capitalism

We all have something to offer.

It might be:

• presence

• patience

• listening

• a gentle steadiness

• something we’ve made with our hands

• our way of seeing

• our way of holding space

• shared understanding

All of us have a unique form of nourishment that moves naturally through us.

And for those of us who were parentified children

—those of us who learned early to call on our inner resources,who learned how to hold it all up by ourselves—

receiving wasn’t safe.

Receiving wasn’t an option.

And so our work becomes:

• learning to identify people who are safe enough to receive from

• allowing ourselves to open to that experience

• letting ourselves share the load with another

Ideally, over time, each of us gets to touch both sides of the equation —

healthy giving and healthy receiving —

enough times that it becomes fluid in us.

So that neither side is loaded with shame, anxiety, indebtedness, or fear.

And that through the very act of giving and receiving,

within a safe, coherent relational field,

our unmetabolized fear, grief, confusion, or shame

can slowly be worked through within the crucible of relationship.

That is the heart of conscious relating.

That is the spiritual practice inside everyday life.